sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
