I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
