I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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