I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
