If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
