you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
