Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
