if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
