Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
