And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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