My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I believe in your delicious
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
