why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
