They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
