ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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