did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.