my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
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Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."