apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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