My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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