I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
