I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
