My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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