She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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