she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
