Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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