did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
