My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
