his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
