Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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