My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just pee around me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
