Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize