..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
