I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Someone came in the potted fern
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
