You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
