can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
