he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
