this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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