put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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