My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
