I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
