I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
