I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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