After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
