She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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