Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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