I got chris browned last night
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize