Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
