We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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