Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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