It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
