What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
