I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
