Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
