i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
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I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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