theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
